On Samwise Gamgee and what makes a good friend
For this New Year, considering being more like Sam and less like Gollum.
Dear friends,
It’s the first day of a brand new year, and I’m thinking about the ultimate friend: Samwise Gamgee.
We finally watched Lord of the Rings: Return of the King last night—first time for my kiddo, maybe 5th time for me, though I hadn’t revisited this series in maybe a decade. I watched all three films in theaters with my merry band of nerd friends back in high school, and I remember crying over the goodness of Samwise back then as well. Twentysome years later and Sam is still the greatest pal.
I’ve never read the books, and I know (from what I’ve read online) that Sam maybe was more of a loyal servant rather than a BFF, but I’m basing this on watching Sean Astin’s character watch out for Elijah Wood’s character (Frodo) through good and bad times, making sure his friend knows he can lean on him, knowing when to respect his buddy’s boundaries while also knowing when his buddy is being a damn fool and calling it out in his own ways. There’s something to be said about whether someone who serves (works for?) someone else can still be their friend, I suppose. And there’s also something to be said about whether Sam deserves better from Frodo, and whether Frodo is a good friend at all, I suppose. But right now, I just want to bask in the goodness of Samwise and what it means to be a good friend.
Writer Mary Drover wrote up a lovely piece on Samwise being the best a few years back that I was fortunate enough to find this morning and I whole-heartedly agree with her words. Also, Mary seems to be much more knowledgeable in all things Tolkein so I take that as a sign that, despite my not having read the books (yet), my instincts are correct about Sam.
In the piece, Mary perfectly sums Samwise’s ability to be the absolute best as follows (go and read the full piece above afterwards though because it’s delightful):
“But what it all really comes down to is that Samwise the Brave had hope. He was loyal. He cared. Sam isn’t the best because he was king of Gondor or took down an oliphant by himself or took three arrows to the chest and kept fighting or overcame centuries of distrust and racism–he’s the best because he’s a light in the dark when all other lights go out.”
So is that what makes a good friend? Loyalty and caring? Being the light for our friends when they find themselves in the depths of darkness?
This article in Psychology Today points to 5 major attributes of a good friend:
They show empathy and basic kindness.
You feel good when you are with them.
They are willing to apologize and admit when they’re wrong.
They have time for you.
They are trustworthy and reliable.
Going by this, Frodo was also a good friend. He messes up now and again (like when he trusts Smeagol more than Samwise in a moment of weakness), but he does apologize. But he’s loyal, just as Sam is, and is kind and clearly makes Sam feel good.
Perhaps we all define what it means to be a good friend depending on the things we care most about. So if you’re still working on making new friends wherever you are, or trying to solidify some acquaintanceships into stronger bonds, consider what type of friend you want, and be that friend to others.
Some other notes:
I took a trip down memory lane recently, reading various old Livejournal entries. To say it makes me want to hide under many pillows is an understatement, but in a way it’s nice to have some form of documentation about my life in my late teens and early twenties. I wasn’t chronically online back then as I have become in recent years (especially post-2020), and my world was…smaller. Sometimes I look at all my social media feeds and I wonder how on earth I even know half of the folks I follow. Do I actually have 1,000 friends, like I do on Facebook? Or is it more that I’ve met 1,000 people along the way, mostly online, or occasionally once in person and I thought they were cool enough to connect with, but then we just…existed in eachother’s virtual spaces and it never went anywhere? And that’s not even talking about other platforms, like Instagram, where I’m connected with even more folks, and yet I could not tell you exactly how I met even half of them.
Anyways, I miss the days of semi-regular journaling about my daily life, being more intentional and all that. I suppose I could work on that in a paper+pencil journal. I know a lot of folks have been feeling the pull to get away from social media. Maybe not a bad idea. New year, new committment to being less-online?
Friendship elsewhere in the news:
7 Strategies to Strengthen Your Relationships in 2025 according to the New York Times: I particularly like the advice about striking the phrase “everything happens for a reason” from everyone’s vocabulary.
The Cut ranks Pop Culture’s Messiest Friendship Breakups: Love that they’ve included Banshees of Inisherin in this (truly the bleakest friendship breakup I’ve ever witnessed, perhaps the antithesis of Samwise and Frodo—please go watch if you haven’t!)
Alright, think I’ve spent enough time on this for today.
Hope your New Year is turning out alright, y’all!
xo.